The Slayers and the Search for the Holy Grail!
by Mistress DragonFlame
Summary: This is my rendition of Monty Python: Search for the Holy Grail. This is written, I believe, in a way that even if you didn't know MP, you would still be able to enjoy this story. Rated for Language and Killer Bunnies. I'm not joking. Canon pairings.
1. A Swallow Carrying a Coconut?

**A Swallow Carrying a Coconut?**

If you stood in the middle of a woods one day, you could hear many things. For instance, a bird, a deer, or even the sound of a horse clopping through, searching for a place to stay.

Lina Inverse galloped through the forest, intent on finding a place to stay for the night. A chill was through the air in the northern land, quite common for this part, and the sound of hoof beats clopped away.

Soon, she reached an impressive city. The entire place was enclosed with a tall brick wall to ward off offenders, with a single solid wood drawbridge for a door. A lone solder picked his nose as he boredly stood guard.

"Whoa there." She said to Zelgadis, who was clopping two halves of a coconut together while carrying a tremendous load on his back, before pretending to stop a horse she was pretending to ride.

"Why do I have to clop the damn coconuts?" He mumbled sulkily to himself while glaring at the back of the fire-headed sorceress.

Lina shushed him before turning to the solder that was now looking down at her with interest.

"Halt! Who goes there?" He said.

"It is I, Lina Inverse, Legendary Bandit Killer, Slayer of Phibrizzo, and Genius Sorceress!" She shouted up with such pride that one would assume she a King.

"'Pull the other one!" He replied.

"I am... Er, this is my trusty chimera, Zelgadis!" All Lina understood was 'the other one' so, she assumed he wished to know who Zelgadis was. "We have ridden far from the edge of the old Monster's Barrier in search for a place with a cure for my friends condition!"

"What? Ridden on a horse?"

Lina looked at Zelgadis before shouting back, "Yes!"

"You're using coconuts!"

"What!" Lina shouted back.

"You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together."

Lina took a calming breath. "So? We have ridden since the snows covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through—"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" The soldier cut her off.

Better to just tell him something so she could get the bloody in that town. "We found them!"

But, he was not to have that. "Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," He began, as if this was common knowledge. "This is a temperate zone."

"Well, aren't the swallows and other birds able to travel between here and further south to follow the fair weather?"

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"No, not at all. They could be carried." Ok, Lina was also sorta getting into this conversation now.

"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the weird hair-things all around it. You should see it, it's rather hairy."

The solder flapped a hand down, as if dismissing her opinion. "It's not about where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!"

A little huffy from being shown up so easily, she wanted to just get into the town already. "Well, it doesn't matter. Just let us in, for crying out loud!"

"Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?"

She rolled her eyes. "Please! I can't destroy a town this close to where my sister is!"

"Am I right?"

"I don't give a fu—"

Another solder popped out of nowhere, to cut off the rather rude remark. "It could be carried by an Dragon's Peak swallow! Around so many dragons, they've grown unusually large."

"Oh, yeah, an Dragon's Peak swallow maybe, but not a regular swallow. That's my point."

"Oh yeah, I agree with that."

"LET ME IN!" Lina hopped up and down, causing Zelgadis, who had been picking at the husk of the coconuts this entire time, to scoot away from the potentially dangerous sorceress.

"But then of course the... Dragon's Peak swallows are non-migratory."

The other solder placed a finger to his chin, as if just realizing it himself. "Oh yeah."

Lina had enough; she glared at Zelgadis before 'mounting' and 'galloping away', Zelgadis clopping behind her. The solder didn't even notice they were gone. "So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway."

"Wait! Suppose two swallows were to carry it together?"

"No, they'd have to have it on a line."

"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!"

"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Well why not?"

And, from the distance came Zelgadis's voice. "A merchant could have dropped it in Mercia from when he went south!"

The solder's looked at each other, the simple answer dawning on them.

* * *

For some reason, out of the blue, I decieded to up-load this. There was no beta, and it's not complete, though I do have the next few chapters written; each chapter is a different scene from the Original Monty Python, no matter what. But, if I don't get a good reply, I won't up-load anymore until I've written everything. So, **review**! Oh! I am also trying to not do any ANs, and if I do, only short ones. 


	2. Bring Out Your Dead!

**Bring Out Your Dead!**

It was a grizzly scene. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" A cart man and his team pushed and pulled along a cart with half rotting corpses on top. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" The man held a crude gong on which he banged, before crying out his marketing phrase. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" Simple, but affective. Clang! "Bring out your dead!"

People scattered at the sound of the team. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" One poor bloke had a huge coughing fit, but still forced himself away from the Cart man. Clang! "Bring out your dead!"

The ground was soiled with L-sama knew what. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" It slipped and slid whenever you thought you'd gotten a firm grip with your feet. Clang! "Bring out your dead! Ninepence." The cart man said once a person dropped a dead body onto of the others, the man paying before he left on his marry way.

Clang! "Bring out your dead!" And away they went again. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" An old woman banged her cat against the wall, the reason unknown. Clang! "Bring out your dead!"

Basically, this place was a shit hole. Clang! "Bring out your dead!" A place where people died regularly from diseases. Clang! "Bring out your dead!"

Another man walked up and stopped the cart, to the gratitude to the people dragging it along. "Here's one." The frail looking sickly body was slung over his shoulder like a sack of rice.

The cart master scratched his head. "Ninepence."

"I'm not dead!" Said the dea-er, um, the not-quite-so-dead old man.

"What?" Said the cart master. This was new.

The man looked nervous. "Nothing. Here's your ninepence." He held out the small change.

"I'm not dead!" Said the dead person, to save space.

"'Ere." The cart master handed back the money. "He say's he's not dead!"

"Yes he is."

"I'm not!" The dead man protested.

"He isn't?"

"Well, he will be soon. He's very ill."

"I'm getting better!"

"No you're not!" The man said gruffly to the dead person. "You'll be stone dead in a moment."

The cart master shook his head. "Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations."

"I don't want to go on the cart!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby!" The man shushed the dead.

"I can't take him."

"I feel fine!"

"Well, do us a favor..."

"I can't."

"Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long."

"No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today."

"Well, when's your next round?"

"Thursday."

"I think I'll go for a walk." The dead person said, bringing attention back to him.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know." He shifted the shoulder carrying the dead weight, before turning back to the cart master desperately. "Look. Isn't there something you can do?"

The cart master looked around, and just when the dead person said, "I feel happy! I feel happy!" He took his gong mallet and whacked the poor dead person on the back of the head. The dead person finally died.

"Ah, thanks very much." The man said as he placed the corpse on the cart with the others.

"Not at all. See you on Thursday."

"Right. All right." He was just about to turn away when a howl, and then the clopping of a horse brought his attention to Amelia, who was pretending to ride a horse just like Lina was earlier, with Gourry behind her clopping happily with his coconut, an equally big trunk of crap on his shoulders as Zelgadis had slung across his back. They rode on past them, carefully avoiding the cart and the scattered dying bodies. "Who's that then?"

The cart master looked at the man before turning back, stating, "I dunno. Must be royalty or something."

"Why?"

"She hasn't got shit all over her."

* * *

Remember, if the scene in the original Monty Python; The Search For, is short, the chapter will be short. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. 

**Review!**


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